fucking, ANOTHER ONE bites the dust.

ok, i have to write this here because i can't in xanga because he will read that and he doesn't read here and i don't want him to know because that will bother him but i NEED to get this out and i can no longer do it in my old diary....so, the people who don't read this anyway can just DEAL with the fact that this entry is inconviently placed inbetween their real friends entries of which they want to read...so, keep scrolling, thanks.

andrew may most likely be moving...it looks like it is...back to florida. he knew that this would be very bothersome to me. i have learned to rely on him very much. he was a rock to me...he was the only person to ever join and stay with toastmasters with me, the real support in the fact that this year blew when it came to my winning record.

...all in all, i am quite upset and i would appreciate it if god would stop trying to make this oncoming school year not so fucking hard on me...

if this goes through, andrew will be my fourth dear friend to move far away...and now that i think about it, everyone that has moved has asked me to go to concerts with them...does that mean ben will be the next to move?

ANYWAY, i just look at the fact of him moving so very hard...i mean, the first reaction is, he is such a great guy and he makes me really happy even when i am in the shitter and he reminds me that there is less to worry about and more to go out and care about. then my second is of course a bombshell, he is my second in command of both the debate team and the toastmasters club...he is the brains of debate. he was our teams top winner all last year...it was worth it just to root him on...i can't do LD and i sure as hell can't teach it as well as he could...how am i going to do this single-handedly??? i do interp, that was going to be my team, andrew would have his own LD team and if there was any desicions left unanswered between those teams they were my domain.............i can't do this on my own. i am unprepared.

i am sick of people calling me strong...that was me then. this is me now, i am wrecking myself and i NEED him. shit, goddamnit. i am not level headed anymore, this year has done me in. my happy little empire is gone...why am i still left with this rubble? couldn't it have mercy on me and left me with nothing?

my team is ruined without him. ashley french made theatre comfterable and she's gone. erin was for all the inbetween work and she is gone (and fucked that all up in her leaving). and of course chappy was always there to help pick up whatever she ruined in me (conviently, right as erin moved)...and of course, having to say goodbye to hendry again didn't do anyone good...oh, and i can't forget carla!! i mean, hell, her and i were the only ones who knew and cared whatever the last team did...without her, all my memories are between me and soy...and some soy doesn't know about and shouldn't........i guess that is my problem now, i hate all my ruined memories.